The Dilettante's Guide to Airport Security

I am currently sitting on a large plan, being hurtled across the country to LA. I am still grumpy form having to wake up at 3am to catch my 7am flight but let me just say, I am even grumpier that I had to stand in line at security while an abundance of dithering idiots looked on as their liquids, lighters, keys, jewelry and anything else they could possibly think of set off all of the alarms and stopped the little conveyor belt thingy. Who's with me?

Listen to me people, I know some of you haven't traveled that much (and for that, I'm either sorry or eternally grateful) but come on, we all know what it takes to go through security. Don't be an idiot, don't be an ass, just learn how to do it so the rest of us grumpy passengers can get onto our plane and go back to sleep. And those of you with children? I'm sorry. But if you must have them, empty their teeny tiny pockets, remove their little shoes BEFORE you get to the front of the line. If they must be in a stroller, make it a small one, not the Hummer of all baby carts with 5,000 pieces that all need to be scanned. Is that necessary? Also, tape their mouths shut, hold onto them tight and shove them through the scanner. Come on, it's not that hard.

Here's the Dilettante's Guide to Airport Security:

1.) Please wear shoes that will come off easily. I lay in bed last night, contemplating my 3 am wakeup call and realized that I had planned to wear my Frye boots-oh no! what was I thinking?-so like the reasonable and seasoned traveler that I am, I wore some sporty little sneakers instead. Adorable and they came off with one swift jimmy of my heel.

2.) Drink all of your water. Better yet? Don't fricking bring water, buy some inside security, fill up you're eco friendly bottle in the airport sink. I don't care. Just do it after you go through security.

And you're shampoos and lotions and creams and all that other crap? Make it small and put it in a ziploc.

3.) Traveling with a computer? Take it out of its case, here it is again, BEFORE you get to the front of the line. Put it in one of those little plastic trays and that's it. Wasn't so hard, was it?

4.) Empty your pockets, make sure you left your machete at home and don't bring any fire into the airport.

Bottom line: be prepared to go through security BEFORE you get to the head of the line. Leave your children at home or train them. My children are coming out of the womb prepared to go through security.

I'm going to scowl at crying children and spill a drink on the guy behind me who keeps kicking my seat. See you in LalaLand.